Nerves

Last night my heart was pounding, breathing came in little gasps, my mind was racing, and my palms were sweaty.  It started about 10 minutes before we got there and lasted for the first hour and a half.  I felt like a kid about to go onstage for my first school play.  This is silly, I’m a grown adult for Pete’s sake!!!!  (I have often wondered who Pete is anyway...he is obviously extremely annoying)

At the door, my nerves were met with a sea of round tables, all packed with people of various shapes and sizes, and all dressed in green.  Music was blaring and everyone was yelling at each other just to be heard.  I did not know a single soul in this sea of white plastic tablecloths and green clad conversationalists.  Sweaty palms turned into a full blown hot flash.  I was introduced to one table of friends and I went through the motions of greeting them and repeating their names ( somewhere I read that it helps you remember names, but I can’t remember any of them except for one girl I had seen pictures of before).  I was then ushered to a table of 3 ladies who welcomed me by saying their names (I remember one because her name is also mine) and telling me this was the mom’s table.  I continued to sweat through the small talk.  My body relaxed slightly as they realized who I was attached to and proceeded to gush over how sweet and wonderful he is.  My mind was only half listening as it raced around the room without me, taking in the sights, sounds, smells of food, and the irrational fear of offending someone.

The next moment pushed me into overload as one of the moms grabbed my hand and said, “Come on!  Our kids are dancing!”, indicating that we should join them on the dance floor.  The fear of causing a scene trumped the irrational fear that everyone in the room would be watching ME dance and I allowed myself to be led into the middle of a mass of shifting shades of green.  I am happy to say I did not have a heart attack and did not pass out.  I actually had a couple good moves and my son was smiling ear to ear but I was never before so relieved to hear the end of a song.

This may sound like no big deal to some of you but to those of you with anxiety and panic attacks, you know exactly what i’m talking about.  It is a ridiculous, irritating, and irrational fear of a perfectly safe, normal human interaction.  I wasn’t like this as a kid... what happened to make me this freaking insecure?!  

I have a suspicion, but I will save that for another day...